Ever wonder where your mind goes during a three-hour surgery sedation? I’m here to tell you I have an exquisite recall of the event. My surgeon begs to differ, but I briefed myself before the propofol ran wild, causing my left arm to freeze before blowing apart.

My manual communication went unnoticed as masked humans sliced new incisions and wrestled out the old implants. I could hear muffled voices discussing the scar tissue of eleven years of wear, just when my cancer was at a crossroads.

I wanted to clean up the room, jigsaw my arm remnants back into the shape of a limb, and drink coffee. I wanted to go swimming at Kepuhi Beach on Molokai, topless, skip my implants atop the water, and let the mermaids play dress up, ready to claim their identity.

That’s when the sea maidens gathered around my bed and took turns reconstructing my arm. Their luminescent eyebrowed tentacles chimed as they swayed around me, never hesitating to moan in a melody so comforting, so soothing, so indicative of their whale gods.

Before the tide subsides, I am welcomed into their nautical world. Do I leave this all behind? The scar-tissued implants, the diminishment of femininity, and the need for caffeine? They’ve transformed my arm into a fin, a sign of acceptance, a vice for survival, how can I not?

—

Want to read more from Suzanne Nielsen? Get your copy of Face Up: A Collection of Outlaw Poems today! Buy now on Amazon

You are also encouraged to listen to Suzanne Nielsen read from her recently published essay from Oleb Books’ latest title, Accessing Parenthood: Stories by and About Parents With Disabilities, during our virtual book launch party, posted on our YouTube channel.

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In my home growing up, Thanksgiving was little different for me than any other dinner — the bounty of food and rarely seen relatives notwithstanding. I was as silent as always. I did not speak unless spoken to, and my family had long ago learned not to put this stammering child on the spot by asking him any but the most necessary questions — those answerable by a positive nod or negative shake of the head. More turkey, John? A nod yes. But the follow-up question that everyone else at the table got — White or dark? — was omitted. I got either, or both, whatever my wishes might have been.

A stutterer at meal times can avoid having to talk by keeping his or her mouth full. This tactic is surprisingly successful, but cannot be deployed before the meal actually begins, and in my family, Thanksgiving was the one time each year that saying grace preceded eating. We don’t read it, write it, or think it. We say it. You cannot nod or shake your head through the litany. Someone must enunciate the words, say each clearly enough for all to hear. Fortunately, this task fell onto the patriarch of the clan and not his stuttering eldest son — me. Thank you, God, for the food we are about to eat.

In my boyhood, th- and f-, two voiceless, labiodental, fricative consonants, would have been unsurmountable. Rather than risk embarrassment, I was spared them, even after my father was gone and I, the eldest son, was then the patriarch. My mother assumed that duty until her own passing, and now there are no more Treat family Thanksgivings.

We give thanks at this time of year, in the tradition of the Pilgrims, and it is good that we do. We should give them more often. Whether we say the thanks or only listen to them, they merit our close attention. Thank you. But here is the thing about thankfulness: besides being a word with two problematic consonants in it, it is something you experience alone, even sitting at a table crowded with those people closest to you. It is an emotion, a feeling, and it stops there, within you, and goes nowhere else. But it is also transitive: you are thankful for something — your entire life, or maybe just that plate of food before you. Being thankful means you are obliged or indebted to something outside yourself that, should it disappear, means you need no longer be thankful, only bereft.

This is why we say grace and not just express thanks. “Grace” is a Middle English word with a root in Latin gratus, also the origin of its close cousin “gratitude.” But thankfulness and gratitude have parted paths in how we use them today. In both my traditions — the Quakerism I embraced after a Catholic childhood, and in what lessons I’ve learned in an adulthood spent in and out of recovery for substance abuse — gratitude is something more than a subjective state of being, however necessary it may be to experience it as that, too. Gratitude is a thing, and you must be practical with it and pass it on to others. It is social. Gratitude is not about your obligations or debts. It is not formal; in fact, you often improvise gratitude. It is a call to action. Gratitude may make its first moves within you, but it only becomes real when you gift it to others needing to recognize it in their own lives.

In AA and other twelve-step programs, gratitude forms one side of the coin that is your sobriety. (Serenity is the other.) Our literature puts it this way: gratitude “disposes us morally to act right and emotionally to feel right, to do good as regards others and to do well as regards our own mental condition.” Gratitude is something we practice. What does it mean to be, as we often hear at meetings, “a grateful alcoholic?” It means we have something to share with others. Gratitude is why there is a twelfth step in all twelve-step programs: your thankfulness is ready to graduate into a mission to practice gratitude “in all our affairs,” and those affairs will always involve other people.

Nowadays, some stutterers insist we should be grateful for our handicap. That it teaches us important — sometimes cruel — lessons about the fluent world around us we might not otherwise take to heart. I concede that point. When one of us, Lissa Lange (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul), writes “Without my stutter, and all the emotions and experiences accompanying it, I wouldn’t be as compassionate, patient, and understanding of other people with challenges,” I also understand how empathy ameliorates the world. But that is not where I choose to practice gratitude, because though gratitude might start with me, it does not end there. Rather than feel anger when someone finishes my stammered, incomplete sentence, for example, I will feel gratitude that someone has offered me help, however misguided. I will not feel gratitude that my disability limits me less than other disabilities might, because I am not so arrogant as to assume what any other person with a different disability is capable of. I will be grateful for this one day and of what I accomplished in it — an aware and sharable appreciation made possible.

In my novel First Consonants, my stuttering protagonist Brian is consumed with grudges against the speaking world that make him act out in violence. But late in life, when he sees a sandpiper inexplicably surrender its life to a dog on a remote beach, he realizes his disability could always have been his own sacrifice, and not the cause of anyone else’s. Skeptical of the existence of God, he suddenly finds himself in a state of grace. And for that, he is grateful — if not exactly thankful — because what lies ahead of him will demand just the sacrifice he has postponed.

John Whittier Treat was born and raised in New England, but has lived in the Pacific Northwest for four decades, as well as for years in Asia. He now resides in Seattle with his husband, the mathematician Douglas Lind. An emeritus professor at Yale, he publishes fiction, essays and poetry in addition to continuing his academic pursuits. The Rise and Fall of the Yellow House (Big Table Publishing Company, 2015) a novel of the early years of the AIDS pandemic in the Northwest, was a finalist for the Lambda Literary Prize. He is the recipient of both the John Whitney Hall Prize in Japanese Studies and the Christopher Hewitt Prize in fiction, as well as a Pushcart Prize nomination. He is a 2020 alumnus of Antioch University’s MFA Program in Creative Writing and was a 2021 June Dodge Fellow at the Mineral School. A stutterer himself, Treat’s new novel, First Consonants, is the story of a family of stutterers set in the Alaskan outback and will be published by Jaded Ibis Press in 2022. He is excited about his work-in-progress, The Sixth City of Refuge, the story about two young gay men, one HIV+ and the other a meth addict struggling to quit, who leave Los Angeles for rural Washington State and find their lives caught up with the local survivalist subculture. Learn more at www.johnwhittiertreat.com.

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The children’s book Reese Has a Halloween Secret, written by Jo Meserve Mach and Vera Lynne Stroup-Rentier, with photographs by Mary Birdsell, is short and sweet — clocking in at just forty pages. The book tells the true story of Reese, a young boy with a disability who, with the help of his loving dad, creates a Halloween costume that includes his wheelchair.

Reese lives with a spinal cord injury caused by a cancerous tumor. He needs to use a wheelchair or a walker in order to get around.

Reese loves Halloween and he loves to build. As the story begins, Reese is excited about Halloween approaching. He decides that his costume should incorporate his wheelchair so he can participate in his school’s Halloween parade. His friends ask him what he’s going to be for the holiday, but Reese keeps it a secret. All will be revealed when the costume is ready.

Throughout most of the book, Reese and his dad work on the costume. Reese himself narrates the story, and there are photos on almost every page. The text is simple and to the point, making it easy for children ages 7-10 to read and follow along. The photos, which are in color, beautifully illustrate Reese and his father’s quiet determination to complete the costume. Their love for each other shines through.

Mach, the book’s publisher as well as co-author, spent 36 years as an occupational therapist. She is very passionate about sharing stories of children with disabilities.

Co-author Stroup-Rentier was a teacher who worked in the fields of early childhood and special education for 25 years. She has a Ph.D. in special education from the University of Kansas and currently works at the Kansas State Department of Education.

Birdsell is a freelance photographer and a former speech and Ttheater teacher.

Reese Has A Halloween Secret is published by Finding My Way Books, a company that shares the stories of children with disabilities. Mach spoke to us about what inspired the book.

“We were inspired by the realization that the Halloween holiday was becoming more and more popular so we wanted to make sure children with disabilities felt included,” she said.

According to Mach, it was photographer Birdsell who saw Reese and his father at a Comic Con she was attending. Reese was dressed as Captain America, and the wheels on his wheelchair were Captain America shields. Birdsell hoped to talk to them, but didn’t have a chance to. The following year, she attended Comic Con again and saw them.

“She told them about our books and they said they’d love to share their story,” Mach said. “They were very involved in the writing process, helping us to be as accurate as possible. They were happy with Reese’s book and bought many copies to share with family and friends.”

Mach reports that readers have enjoyed the book.

“I’ve had fun reading it to classrooms of kids who enjoyed following the clues with each chapter to guess what his costume will be,” she said.

Mach’s work as an occupational therapist has made her feel passionate about including people with disabilities and making Finding My Way titles accessible to everyone.

“We have been very intentional in the design of our books to welcome readers with disabilities,” she said. “The font is easy to read and large. The photographs help tell the story visually to help readers understand it. We have all our books in ebook format.”

Reese Has a Halloween Secret is a lovely book. It illustrates that any child, regardless of disability, can be part of the holiday fun.

The book is available in hardcover and paperback editions on Amazon (link to Amazon). The ebook edition is available in both English and Spanish on Kobo. (Link to English version and link to Spanish version)

For more information on Finding My Way Books, please visit their website at www.findingmywaybooks.com.

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Eight books have been chosen to be honored in the 2022 Schneider Family Book Awards — a prize that acknowledges the artistic expression of disability by authors or illustrators who created their work for child or adolescent readers. The awards are administered by the American Librarian Association, and were announced on January 24, 2022, during the association’s LibLearnX, which was held virtually from January 21-24.

Each winner received a prize of $5,000 and a framed plaque. Winners were selected in three categories: young children from birth through grade school, ages 0-8, middle grades ages 9-13, and teens, ages 14-18. The prize winners represent a diverse array of disabilities and cultures.

1. A Walk in the Woods

A Walk in the Words, written and illustrated by Hudson Talbott and published by Nancy Paulsen Books, is the Schneider Family Book Awards winner in the young children’s honor title. In A Walk in the Words, Talbott shares his own story about facing the challenge of being a slow reader. His love of language and his curiosity got him reading and eventually he became a storyteller, writing more than 27 books for young readers. In the words of his prize-winning book’s description, Talbott discovered he could “paint with words.”

2. A Sky-Blue Bench

A Sky-Blue Bench, written by Bahram Rahman and illustrated by Peggy Collins, was published by Pajama Press Inc. and is also a winner in the young children’s honor title. A Sky-Blue Bench tells the story of Aria, a young Afghani girl who’s excited about her first day back at school since her accident. But Aria is worried about sitting on a hard floor all day with her prosthetic “helper leg.” Aria knows that she will be more comfortable on a bench, and so she sets out to gather materials to build a bench for herself.

3. My City Speaks

My City Speaks won the award for young children. The book was written by Darren Lebeuf, with illustrations by Ashley Barron. Published by Kids Can Press Ltd., My City Speaks is about a visually impaired young girl who explores her city with her father. As they visit various diverse destinations, such as a playground, a community garden, a market and an outdoor concert, the girl describes the things she senses in poetic detail.

4. Stuntboy, in the Meantime

Stuntboy in the Meantime takes the prize for best middle grades honor title. Written by Jason Reynolds and illustrated by Raul the Third, this novel is the fanciful tale of Portico, a Black fourth grader who is secretly a superhero. As Portico tries to dodge neighborhood bully Herbert and deal with his parents arguing, he becomes Stuntboy, determined to save his neighborhood and his parents’ marriage. This book was published by Caitlyn Dlouhy/Atheneum Books for Young Readers.

5. A Kind of Spark

Also acknowledged for best middle grade honor title is A Kind of Spark, by Elle McNicoll, a neurodivergent author. Published by Crown Books for Young Readers, McNicoll introduces readers to neurodivergent girl Addie, who tries to get her Scottish town to erect a memorial when she learns that the town used to burn witches simply because they were different.

6. A Bird Will Soar

A Bird Will Soar, by Alison Green Myers, won for best middle grades title. The book follows the story of Axel, a bird-loving autistic child whose family nest is in danger of falling apart. Myers integrates poetry and science as she creates a character whose disability molds his identity. The book was published by Dutton Books For Young Readers.

7. A Face for Picasso: Coming of Age With Crouzon Syndrome

Taking home the Schneider Family Book Awards for teens honor title is A Face for Picasso: Coming of Age With Crouzon Syndrome, by Ariel Henley and published by Farrar Straus Giroux Books For Young Readers. Crouzon Syndrome is a condition in which the seams of the skull fuse abnormally, which affects the shape of the face and skull. Henley’s book is based upon her own experiences of coming of age with this syndrome.

8. The Words in My Hands

And finally, the teens award winner is The Words in My Hands, which was written and illustrated by Asphyxia and published by Annick Press. Set in a futuristic Australia, Asphyxia introduces readers to Piper, a deaf teen, as she searches for her identity.

Learn More About the Schneider Family Book Awards

The 2022 Schneider Family Book Awards committee is headed by co-chairs Suan Hess, a retired New York City school librarian, and Mary-Kate Sableski, an associate professor at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Other members of the committee includ Cathy Andronik, Betsy Fraser, Ashley Mensah, Rachel G. Payne, Sharon Powers, Scot Smith, and Alyson Beecher.

All prize-inning books are readily available for purchase at Amazon.com.

The American Library Association has been the voice of libraries for more than 140 years. They support library professionals and the library’s role in ensuring access to information and in increasing learning. For more information on the Schneider Family Book Awards and other programs and activities of the association, please visit https://www.ala.org/.

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Bipolar disorder is one of the most studied neurological conditions today. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), it roughly affects 4.5 percent of adults in the United States. But while bipolar disorder impacts many people, when it comes to accurate representation in literary works, there is still a need for more books that capture the bipolar experience.

In recent years, there have been some great memoirs published by people who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A few great bipolar works of nonfiction are: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, by Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D.; Fast Girl: A Life Spent Running from Madness, by Suzy Favor Hamilton; and Patty Duke’s Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive Illness — a book Duke coauthored with medical writer Gloria Hochman.

Although memoir has seen a handful of great books about bipolar disorder, and there is definitely a need for more titles in that category, when it comes to fiction, the pickings are slim. And no one knows this as well as novelist Susan St. John, who was diagnosed as being bipolar while traveling in Africa, and then began to see herself as a great character for a book.

“The more I thought about it,” said St. John, “I realized I was a good character, too, as were the men at Nyayo House.”

Her safari adventure and newly diagnosed condition were the inspiration for her book, Mad Mischief — a colorful novel about a woman named Sarah, who is an American and dealing with a bipolar diagnosis, in addition to several other problems, in a foreign land. St. John thought it was important that Sarah had some sort of mental illness, and wrote the character as such.

“I felt that for her to be a protagonist,” said St. John, “that elicited all the reactions she did in the other characters, she would really have to be ‘way out there.’ And I am bipolar, so I felt I could give some authenticity to that dimension of her character.”

Mad Mischief took about 15 years to write, and went through many revisions; however, St. John shares that life in general had the biggest impact on her completing the novel.

“I went back to Africa four or five times. I went through a divorce and re-married, then another divorce. I moved twice, so there was a great deal that got in the way,” she said.

With vivid prose, Mad Mischief delivers a memorable adventure that illustrates how animals in the wild behave better than humans, as well as how people with mental health problems can fall victim to bullying.

Mad Mischief is the winner of the 2017 New Apple Literary Contest, in the Psychological Suspense Category; the Spirited Woman Book Award; and Santa Barbara Magazine’s Beautiful Reads Selection, for their 2018 Winter Edition. The book was also a finalist for the 2018 CIPA EVVY Book Awards, the 2018 EPIC eBook Awards, the 2018 Independent Author Network Awards, for Outstanding First Novel, the 2018 Indie Excellence Awards / Chick-Lit Category, and named a “Distinguished Favorite” in the 2018 Independent Press Awards.

For writers with a mental disorder, St. John has the following words of advice: “Stay on your meds, have a definite schedule for writing, and be sure there is someone you can talk to as you go about the writing.”

To contact Susan St. John, you can visit www.madmischief.com.

You can grab a copy of Mad Mischief: A Novel on Amazon. (Please note this is an affiliate link. By clicking this link, you consent to us placing a cookie on your browser for commission purposes. Thank you for your support!)

Belo Cipriani is an award-winning author and prize-winning journalist. His new book, “Firsts: Coming of Age Stories by People with Disabilities,” is available through every online retailer. Learn more at www.belocipriani.com.

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